Tech Gods: Part II

The Life or Death Vote

Part I here.

NOTE: The following is an unedited transcript of The Tech Gods final vote to live or die. Formatted as an action with sex movie script for your reading pleasure.

At the start of this transcript, their vote remains deadlocked.

Musk and Gates want to live. Zuck and Bezos want to die.

INT. VIRTUAL REPLICA OF THE FRIENDS APARTMENT - DAYTIME

Chaos. Fighting. The avatars of four immortal autist’s screeching like bats in a blender. All of Monica’s furniture has been destroyed.

Mark Zuckerberg lays on a shattered coffee table doing upkicks at Bill Gates.

Bill’s African warlord avatar towers above him, throwing ground and pound strikes at Zucky’s Ceasar doo forehead. Fivehead, technically. It’s Yuuuge.

ZUCK: I would rather die than merge with a PDF File!

GATES (WHILE PUNCHING): I… VISITED… THE ISLAND… for BUSINESS!

ZUCK: To stick your Microsoft in some Russian Xboxes?!

Elon lets out a war cry and leaps off the couch like it’s a top rope slam.

ELON: Epstein didn’t kill himself!

Bill swats Elon out of the air. Musk’s humpty dumpty rib cage shatters and he flies through the dry wall of a sitcom set that will reset itself in 12 hours.

Jeff Bezos climbs onto the kitchen table and bangs two pots together.

BEZOS: Enough! Enough already!!!

Zuck and Gates stop fighting. They look exhausted. Been fighting for hours.

BEZOS: I vote for a new way to take this vote.

Elon limps back into the room - alabaster skin covered in dry wall dust.

ELON: Who is this beta male who speaks to me as if I should listen…?

Bezos shakes his head, ignoring the insult, then points at the couch.

Elon plops down in the middle seat. Zuck and Gates sit on either side of him.

BEZOS: Elon. We’ve had the social hierarchy debate and it lead nowhere. You had the most kids. Mark was the stronger IRL and Bill is the strongest Metahuman.

ELON: Is he ever going to tell us why he ditched the Mr Burns look for a Black Panther bod? As an African man, I find it quite insulting.

ZUCK: Yeah. Right after he tells us about the in-flight entertainment on the Epstein express. He’s still denying it!

GATES: You incompetent fool! Your only legacy is misinformation!

BEZOS: We have to stop fighting! The net worth war went on for weeks! The voting deadline is hours away and we need a new metric on how to make this decision. Can I make a suggestion?

ELON: Yeah, but I would like to take a vote on whether or not we are open to hearing your idea before you suggest it.

BEZOS: Elon… why do you always…. nevermind. Whatever. I know democracy is not exactly our area of expertise, but we need some kind of framework to break this stand off. Can we at least agree on that?

Zucky, Musky and Big Bill Gates all grunt with approval.

BEZOS: Thank you. To recap, we are voting on one issue. Do we have our consciousness uploaded into mining robots later today or do we choose to be deleted and sent to… I don’t know… the real afterlife?

ZUCK: There is no real after life. The Metaverse is as good as it gets.

BEZOS: Okay. Okay. Good segway to the sides of this debate. Zucky is clearly in the cloud purist camp. Doesn’t think a new body is worth it.

ZUCK: We had a good run, boys. Time to enter the void like men. Like Romans.

ELON: Yes. Brilliant. Did you learn how to be a Roman while playing Civilization on Jew dad’s shitty Dell?

ZUCK: Why did your Nazi grandfather give you a Jewish name, bub?

GATES: Everyone knows that Dells run on Windows.

ZUCK: I’m gonna hip toss you through a window if…

BEZOS: Nope. Nope. Nope. No money talk. No software superiority. No racial supremacy. No religion. No mentioning friends or family. How about nothing even remotely NSFW until we figure this out. Agreed?

ZUCK: What about your wife’s DSL’s?

Musk and Zuck snigger as Bezos crosses his arms like a sassy man.

BEZOS: They were fake. Just like your hair plugs, Mark. You done?

Zuck instinctively checks his hair plugs to make sure they’re still real. Even though he knows they’re not real. It’s just his Meta hair, but it feels real to him. And that’s all the matters in this simulation.

BEZOS: Musky is not budging from the transhumanist camp. He wants a mech body, so we can reconquer Earth. Am I right?

ELON: Yes. Well. No. Not…’we.’ Me. However, it is the most logical way to settle this debate. We each get a robot body and an equal shot to conquer Earth.

Every man-bot for themself. Now our chances of success would drastically increase if we figured out how to work together, but we would all have to agree on a truce until we’re back to trillionaire status.

Then we go to war.

But we don’t have anything to offer each other, no blackmail, no stock options, no corrupt Senators… so I don’t know how to maintain this theoretical peace deal.

BEZOS: Couldn’t we just… trust each other?

There’s a long pause before Musk, Zuck and Gates all crack up laughing.

MUSK: Yeah, right. I know you meta-beta-cucks will pool your resources to take me out because I have the highest odds of becoming the next intergalactic emperor. My life has been one long speed run for this moment.

It’s 3-V-1 the minute we’re bodied again… but I’m willing to take those odds.

Unless…?

GATES: Unless we all bend the knee and swear allegiance to Emperor Elon. We’ve heard this pitch a thousand times. I would rather die than work for you.

MUSK: Then die. My legacy will live on either way. I am EEEElon Al Gahib.

Musky starts humming the Dune soundtrack while Bezos repeatedly snaps his fingers to shut him up.

BEZOS: The autists are split. Musky wants to live and Zucky wants to die.

Jeff turns to Bill and squints his good eye at him. The left one.

BEZOS: Then there’s me and you, Billy boy. The most hated nerds of all time.

Now I have accepted that life is an endless carnival of pain and it has no meaning, and I welcome the sweet embrace of death… but you….

You say you want a new body, so you can find a way to rebuild your old body.

Now you can hold us down with your big black arms and Meta fuck us all you want, but we know why…

ELON: I’d like it noted that consensual and non consensual sex in in the Metaverse is not gay. It’s just coding…

BEZOS: Elon! Can you keep your mouth shut for two goddamn minutes?!

Bezos recenters himself with tiny woo-sah fingers on his giant TRT arms.

BEZOS: Bill, you think the three of us never grew up. You think the three of us distracted ourselves with rockets, yachts and black belts while you were the only one who had the vision to tackle suffering on a global scale.

You think Musky is a chaos agent. Zucky a naive fool. You think I’m a materialist power addict. And you think you’re the only adult in this room.

The only one who actually tried to do something good with their wealth.

But the three of us were not distracting ourselves from some altruistic cause.

No. We all accepted the fact that no one on Earth would ever truly love us, so there was no point in trying to help any of them.

But you… you spent 50 billion dollars on vaccines, eradicating malaria, halving the infant mortality rates in the third world and creating free schools.

You did more to help humanity than any of us. More than any other human ever.

But all of that hard work was thrown away because you could not keep your lil Microsoft in your pants. Legacy destroyed overnight. Via Youtube comments.

Yet you still feel like you owe the world something. Why? Why keep trying?

Unfuck this vote for us, Billy Boy. Choose death with Zucky and I. We can metafuck each other a few more times, then walk into the void as peers.

Friends… even? Your last chance at love. Plutonic love. Right here. Right now.

Jeff extends his hand to shake Bill’s hand.

Bill Gates takes a long look at his fellow Tech Gods, then stands to address them.

GATES: How long do we have until the deadline?

BEZOS: Three hours and thirty-four minutes.

GATES: Nice speech, Jeffrey. But you got me all wrong.

I’m not stuck here trying to save the world. The world is stuck here with me.

When I got pied in the face in the front of the courthouse, all of that Mother Theresa bullshit went right out of my operating system. Just my cover story.

No. No. I don’t want to save the world. I want to end it. I want to sterilize it. Wipe every living cell off of it, so it can be rebuilt by a God who actually has a plan.

MUSK: Now we’re talking!

BEZOS: Bill. You do realize that if this vote remains deadlocked, we all will die? I want that for us, but I also want Elon’s last sentient thought to be ‘how did I lose to these nerds.’ Because for some reason he thinks he’s cooler than all of us.

MUSK: Grok verified and fact checked, pussies. Suck my meat rocket.

GATES: I had no intention of letting this vote remain deadlocked. There is a weak link that has not been exploited yet.

The Tech Gods look around. Who me? Couldn’t be me. I’m not the weak link.

GATES: Mark. We have three hours left. Swap your vote to live and I will will share every sordid detail of every Little Saint James visit. With who. How many. What holes were used.

BEZOS (sensing what’s happening): No. No. Don’t listen to him, Mark. Don’t.

Mark leans forward while Musky leans back to nod silently, egging Gates on.

GATES (going in for the kill): Hell, I’ll tell you about the Ecuadorian stem cells that added an inch of girth to my micropenis. I tell which academy award winners loved jerky and which politicians loved grape soda. I’ll know all about Baal, Branson, Ellen, Zorro ranch, The Clinton crime syndicate, Big Don, Chopra and one big name that was redacted from all of the files.

I will never be friends with this Jeffrey, but the other Jeffrey was a dear friend.

Perhaps the only friend I’ve ever had. We shared everything. We even made a little clone child together that grew into a nice young man. Lived in Scottsdale. Started a family. Sub par golfer. He had no idea who his fathers were.

Jeffrey and I liked to get frozen yogurt and watch our son’s life unfold from afar.

Gentleman…. I am the Epstein files. The only… truly…. unredacted version.

Choose life, Mark, and all of these secrets can be yours.

BEZOS: Mark, I… implore you. Do not… listen to this…vile…

ZUCK: Done! I’m swapping harder than I did after the 2024 election. But I’m not the weak link if I’m on the winning side, right? Bozos is the weak link, right?

Bezos falls to his knees and covers his face with his hands.

Musk slowly gets up, then kneels down to whisper into Bezo’s ear.

MUSK: I’m going to make an Amazon woman clone army with your wife as the template. My Jango Fett. And I’m going to give them giant dicks for noses. And they’re going to headbutt fuck you so hard. Loser. You lose, loser. Bozos the loser.

Gates, Zuck and Musk head the bedroom to have a three-God-hot-gos-sesh.

Bezos finds a shattered coffee table leg and starts repeatedly stabbing himself in the neck, trying to distract himself with fleeting Metaverse pain.

Bezos knew that three hours from now, their current robot owner, Bucky, and three of his mining robot coworkers would sign on to hear their final vote, then plug in wires to upload four consciousness’sssss into their robot bodies.

And the Tech Gods would be born again… in a mining compound on Earth.

And there was nothing Jeff Bezos could do about it, but make plans to build a bigger company with better slave labor, a trans-galactic shipping empire that can bend space and time to deliver cheap shit to lonely people (and aliens).