Getting My Hands Dirty to Fix Gladiator II

And Why Movies No Longer Appeal to Men

It’s been well over a month and I’m still angry about Gladiator II.

But Marcus Aurelius is my Jesus and they did him and Maximus dirty.

That justifies a counter attack, right? A full winter of stewing over one story?

I think so. Because Gladiator II is EVERYTHING wrong with movies these days.

All style, no substance. All marketing, no meat. All scenes, no story.

A main character arc so confusing it could lead to head-shaking concussions.

A new antagonist in every act. More unearned drama than Bravo reality show.

Another bad Scott/Scarpa collab. Napoleon and now… Gladiator II.

“People loved watching us turn one of the most dynamic men in history into a broody incel-simp. By the way, did you read my outline for Gladiator II? ”

It’s even more heart-breaking when movies have all the right pieces, but still miss the mark.

We thought this one would be different. We believed Sir Ridley had one more classic in’em, but it ended up being just another factory assembled reboot directed by a “should be retired dinosaur” and propped up by a toothless story structure and disjointed set pieces.

If you can’t deliver a revenge story for the tired, low T dad demo, you’ll never appeal to another target audience again. We are the easiest demo to please.

Once a season (four times a year), we just want to sit in the dark with our guy friends and get a jolt of testosterone. Give us an easy to understand story with an ubermensch committing ultra violence. Deliver some adrenaline tingles before we go back to micromanaged lives and sneaking gas station sandwiches.

Taken. John Wick. Top Gun: Maverick. Playbook is right there. It still works.

Instead we get these feeble-bodied, elitist, Ivy league, East Coast Hollywood thespians writing overly complicated and pretentious stories for their peers.

Gladiator II needed a writer that doesn’t look or sound like Stephen Colbert.

Hollywood is doing such a horrible job at writing movies for men that lots of men prefer going to church over going to the theaters these days. Do you know how bad you have to be to make church sound like a better entertainment option?

Why I am so angry about this? Because I can guarantee that if you gave me a bottle of Adderall, a case of Italian red and three weeks, I could have come back with an infinitely better script for Gladiator II.

All the pieces were there. But it needed a coherent storyline with a character arc as easily trackable as the main character’s arc in Godzilla Minus One.

Don’t throw random surprises at us. Show us the steps of how a man changes.

*You could argue that the actual Gladiator in Gladiator II wasn’t even the main character and Denzel’s decisions had far more influence over the story.

But here’s the big problems and how to fix Gladiator II (written in one sitting).

Story Problem #1: Remove The Dead Wife Motivation

Fix #1: Cut Hano’s wife entirely. Don’t make Hano noble in Act I or he has no arc. Make Hano the most savage, rage-filled warrior in all of Numidia: addicted to opium, cannabis, alcohol and harems. Anything to numb the pain of his past. He’s too mad to lead men, so he gets unleashed on the invading Roman army like a wild animal. He is this way because he had to become selfish and violent to survive. “He who becomes a beast, hides the pain of being a man.”

Story Problem #2: Make Denzel The Wise Mentor Not The Big Bad

Fix #2: Biggest mistake of the story. They wedged a master/slave motivation into an already convoluted plot and spit on the Stoic legacy of Marcus Aurelius, who reformed a ton of Roman laws around slavery, and by all accounts actually treated his slaves with compassion. He even forgave his worst enemies!

New backstory: Macrinus (Denzel) served under Emperor Marcus Aurelius, who saw potential in Macrinus, so he personally mentored him on how to let go of his ego/pride/rage and become a Stoic, then he awarded Macrinus his freedom. All of the wisdom that would eventually go into Meditations now lives in Macrinus’ head and has to be transplanted into Hano’s, so he can become a just emperor. But Hano is fueled by the pain of abandonment/betrayal and won’t let anyone in.

We know Denzel is a great bad guy, but this choice ruined the entire movie.

The main character had a new villain and mentor in every act. The audience had no way of tracking Hano/Lucius’ emotional arc with these constant swaps. Denzel needed to be with Mescal in every scene of this mentorship journey. That would have grounded the movie in a coherent throughline and given us some milestones to track during the big set pieces.

The drama triangle needed to be solely focused on mother, son and mentor.

Problem #3: Make the Mother the Big Bad (But It’s Not Her Fault. She Had to Survive in a Cruel World Just Like Her Son Did And She Got Corrupted As Well).

Most of you will not like this suggestion, but it is exactly what the story calls for, and until we put story back in the driver’s seat, we are going to keep getting manufactured content like Gladiator II, and big movies for all demos will continue their demise.

This had to be a story about an angry boy beating and then forgiving his mother to become a man. It’s unforgivable that the writer did not fight for this story.

In the backstory, Lucilla (the mother) had to get her son out of Rome to protect him. In her mind, she did the right thing, but in his mind he was abandoned. Lucius will never trust anyone again, so he transforms into Hano, a selfish killing machine secretly fueled by his mother’s betrayal (the original sin of this saga). Hano puts up emotional walls and lets no one know his secret identity until Macrinus finds him and chips away at his trauma (ala Good Will Hunting).

Look up the Survival of the Destruction of the Object for a deep dive on this exact issue of how abandonment leads to rage. It’s a fascinating study from WWII.

While her son is on the run, Lucilla sets out to stabilize the political turmoil in Rome, but she’s a woman in a patriarchal society, so she has to rely on manipulation, blackmail and spying to accomplish her core goal: become powerful enough that she can bring her son home (and protect him).

But not easy for a woman in Rome with lots of rivals. As a result, she starts putting morally corrupt men and political puppets into power (The Twins) so she can control the Senate from the shadows. Lucilla is forced to betray the values she was raised on to become the secret ruler of Rome. Connie Nielsen had to be the Machiavellian Denzel character for this story to fully work.

Lucilla’s original goal was to stabilize Rome, so she could bring her son home, but after she finds out that Lucius is likely dead, she goes full Cersei. Her pursuit of power (for a noble reason) has corrupted her as well. Both mother and son have betrayed the values of Marcus/Maximus and have to return to them to repair their relationship and restore Rome. Power corrupts all but The Stoics.

Make those changes and you have a movie. Now here’s the plot points.

Act I: Denzel looking for Lucius for years (has not given up hope)

Denzel arrives in Numidia to track down Paul Mescal, but Rome attacks. His Core Goal is to find and restore the rightful ruler of Rome, a debt he has to repay to his dead mentor, Marcus Aurelius (Lucius’ grandfather).

Macrinus watches Hano fight like a possessed animal and he viciously kills Pedro Pascal (his mother’s lover) before getting captured by the Roman army.

Macrinus knows Hano is very far from being the emperor Rome needs, so he buys him as a Gladiator to mold him into a selfless Stoic leader, not a selfish angry brute. Not easy with that much childhood trauma driving him.

Back in Rome, Lucilla finds out a Numidian warrior named Hano has killed her lover (Pedro Pascal) and demands revenge. She manipulates The Twin Emperors to prepare a series of gladiator games that will humiliate and destroy Hano and the captured Numidians (now fellow gladiators with Hano).

The game is set. Hano/Lucius wants revenge on his mother for abandoning him and beating her is the best way to humiliate her and Rome. Lucilla wants to destroy the man who killed her lover, but she doesn’t know it’s her long lost son.

Meanwhile, Marcinus is chipping away at Hano’s rage/trust issues, but every time he enters the arena he fights like someone who wants to die. Like Godzilla Minus One, he needs a reason to live.

Denzel starts playing politics with Rome to buy more time. He knows Lucilla is the secret ruler of Rome, but her son is not ready to take her place yet. He’s the only one that knows all the pieces on the board.

Act II: Hano becoming Lucius Again

Lucilla (full of wrath) and the Twin Emperors order Macrinus/Hano to come to Rome. They throw increasingly tough gladiator challenges at our hero, but he keeps winning because Macrinus has finally broken through the anger issues and taught him how to motivate and lead his fellow Numidian gladiators.

The facade comes crashing down after Lucilla finds out Hano is Lucius. She wants Lucius to help her kill The Twin Emperors and get rid of the Senate entirely, but he refuses because he sees how corrupt his mother has become. She is still treating him like a boy and she thinks this is the best way to protect him. This breaks his heart and makes him see what she has done for him. It reframes his childhood trauma into an activation event: restore the Stoic virtues of Rome.

Act III: Full Circle Story

While Hano/Lucius fights his final battle in the gladiator arena (a distraction), Macrinus pulls off an action-packed military coup with help from the Senate.

Lucius wins a rigged challenge designed by the Twin Emperors (gets help from his mom). He kills the morally corrupt Twins and reconciles with his mother.

They forgive each other, but The Senate knows Lucilla was really running the show, so Lucius is presented with a final dilemma: banish his mother from Rome or betray his principles (even though he has the power to do anything).

Imagine that scene instead of Lucilla getting killed by Macrinus! WTF?!

Son orders his own mother to leave the city (breaks his heart again), but Lucilla is okay with it because her boy has become the man that Rome needs.

Full circle. Mother banishes son, son banishes mother.

Macrinus becomes the Stoic advisor to Emperor Lucius to keep his ego in check, and the final scene is Macrinus visiting Lucilla in exile to read her a letter written by her son that reframes their lives in a more compassionate light.

Cue the score. Roll credits. Start the awards campaign. Connie Nielsen would have had a real role to play instead of the boring role she was given.

That is how you tell a story, you pretentious Hollywood fucks.

I wrote this in one sitting. You had months to work on your piece of shit.

Men should be writing movies for men. Not you dildos.

Rant over. Gonna go watch Encanto with my daughter.

At least, Pixar still knows how to sling’em.